Readings: Gen. 50:15-21; Mt. 18:21-35
On January 6, 2021, Guy Reffitt from Texas attended the Trump rally before the attack on the Capitol. He was recorded as saying the mob would drag lawmakers, including Nancy Pelosi, out of the building. After arriving at the Capitol, he confronted officers at a key choke point and used a megaphone to encourage people to push through the barricades. This action helped the mob overrun the police lines.
Days after the attack on the Capitol, Guy Reffitt returned home and warned his children: “If you turn me in, you’re a traitor and you know what happens to traitors…Traitors get shot.” Despite this threat, his 18 year old son tipped off the FBI. On Jan. 16, 2021, the FBI raided their house and arrested the father on charges of obstruction of justice, interfering with police in a riot, armed trespassing, and tampering with witnesses. He is now serving 7 years in prison. The events of January 6th shattered this close family which has subsequently fallen apart. They are still confronting the perceived betrayals and broken relationships. Now, they are trying to forgive. I hope they are successful. (Washington Post 9/9/23)
In today’s gospel story, Peter asks Jesus, how often should he forgive? Jesus replies: “77 times.” Yowza-77 times!!! Is he serious? Most of us are just beginners when it comes to the act of forgiving. Some of us never complete the work. Yet the practice of forgiveness is perhaps our most important contribution to the healing of the world and the healing of ourselves. This is the key spiritual work that needs to be attended to if we want to be made whole. Forgiveness is the process where we can heal the hurts we don’t deserve. Forgiveness is freeing ourselves from a straight-jacket of resentment and rage that destroys relationships and robs us of joy. Forgiveness is the subject of today’s sermon. Let’s begin with a few teachings on this most important spiritual practice to which we are all called.
“Forgiveness is unlocking the door to set someone free and realizing you were the prisoner.” We need to begin to live life for what tomorrow has to offer, not for what yesterday has taken away.
- Forgiveness is something that happens inside the injured person’s mind. It’s all about healing.
- Forgiveness is creating a new beginning out of a painful hurt that never had the right to exist in the first place.
- The only power that can stop the relentless stream of painful memories is the faculty of forgiveness. “Until we can forgive the person who harmed us, that person will hold the keys to our happiness; that person will be our jailor. When we forgive, we take back control of our fate and our feelings.” (Archbishop Desmond Tutu)
- Forgiveness is that amazing moment when we release a person who dug a deep hurt into our lives.
- If we wait to forgive people until they say they are sorry, we make ourselves hostage to the very person who wronged us to begin with.
- Forgiveness is a process. The goal is, to heal the forgiver’s painful memories and emotions attached to the incident whether or not the perpetrator is repentant.
- You will know that forgiveness has begun when you recall those who hurt you, yet you feel the power to wish them well. Afterall, we forgive people, not the transgression.
- Forgiveness is giving up all hope for a different past!
What forgiveness is NOT!
- Forgiveness is not the same as forgetting. You do not have to forget after you forgive; you may, but your forgiving can be sincere even if you remember. Afterall, forgiveness is healing the lingering pain of the past, not forgetting that the past never happened.
- You do not excuse people by forgiving them; you forgive them…only because you hold them to account and refuse to excuse their bad behavior.
- “You do not have to tolerate what people do when you forgive them for doing it; you may forgive people, but still refuse to tolerate what they have done.”
- Forgiveness is not erasing the past. You can only heal the pain it has left behind.
The story of Joseph and his brothers is one of the most striking biblical stories about the faculty of forgiveness. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this story, I encourage you to read the chapters in the Book of Genesis (37-50). But here is a brief summary: Joseph had 11 brothers. They succumb to sibling rivalry and jealousy and decide to kill Joseph by throwing him into a pit with no water. The plot to kill him changes to a more economically advantageous plan. They end up selling Joseph to some traveling merchants who take him down to Egypt and sell him as a slave.
At this point, the story does not report on Joseph’s emotional state during this traumatic time. But for those of you who have been hurt or abused by a family member or friend, you know the pain, the rage, and the hate of being betrayed by those who are supposed to love you.
The story of Joseph continues with much drama. He is later thrown into prison unjustly and left to rot. But because of his special gifts and talents, he is eventually released and rises to prominence to become Pharoah’s right-hand man. When a famine overtakes the land, his brothers come to Egypt looking for food. It is then that they meet Joseph and have to come to terms with their past. At first, Joseph plays a few games with them. Maybe he is not ready to forgive or maybe he is trying to forgive in bits and pieces. In today’s alternate reading, Joseph’s brothers beg for mercy. What do you think Joseph should do? What would you do?
Imagine having your childhood upended and your life threatened because of jealousy? Imagine being sold into slavery? Imagine being unjustly accused and having to suffer the consequences? I know that some of you have experienced unspeakable transgressions perpetrated by wounded people. Only you know the depths of your pain and whether or not you are ready to be released from this pain. So the questions ultimately become: Do I want to be healed of my pain or do I want to go on suffering from an unfair hurt lodged in my memory? Do I want to freeze myself in the unfairness of a cruel moment in the past or do I want to move forward into the future where I can once again experience joy and freedom?
Joseph decides that he wants to forgive. Perhaps he knew at an intuitive level that forgiving would heal his memories and emotions. Afterall, when you release a wrong-doer from the wrong, “you cut a malignant tumor out of your inner life.” You set a prisoner free, but you discover that the real prisoner was yourself. Joseph finally tells his brothers: “Do not be afraid! Am I in the place of God? …I myself will provide for you and your little ones.” (Genesis 50:21)
Nobody seems to be born with much talent for forgiveness. Forgiving almost seems unnatural because our sense of justice tells us that people should pay for the wrong they do. The worse you have been hurt, the longer it takes to forgive. “We attach feelings to the moment when we were hurt, endowing it with immortality. We let it assault us every time it comes to mind. It travels with us, sleeps with us, hovers over us.” So why wouldn’t we want to let go of the hurts that we don’t deserve?
Forgiveness gives us the energy to heal our thoughts and emotions. Forgiveness creates a new beginning out of a painful past that never had the right to exist in the first place. So if you are ready to forgive an egregious trespass that was committed against you, here is some healing wisdom.
- When the rage and the hate have subsided, when you have told your story long enough, when you have become tired of rehearsing the memory of the trespass, the time has come for you to forgive.
- You don’t have to be virtuous at the forgiving game to make it work. You might have to do it slowly, perhaps even several times to make it feel complete.
- Begin by praying for 30 days for the person who has hurt you. Pray for their peace. Then pray for the grace to undertake the process of forgiveness.
- Sit in a quiet place and focus on the person you want to forgive. Do not focus on the transgression but only on the person. Say [his] name followed by “I forgive you.” Then let it go. It’s done. If the memory or the emotion returns, release it immediately, reminding yourself that you have already forgiven and need not deal with this trespass again. Each time the memory or pain returns, do not dwell on the thought but give it over to God. It is no longer your burden to carry. In my own practice of forgiveness, if the memory returns, I say out loud: “I do not want this thought” and then I replace it with another thought like: “For God alone, my soul in silence waits.”
- And finally, because no person is fully good or fully bad, and because we know that we too have hurt one another in thought, word, or deed, we continue to ask for forgiveness as we pray: “Our Father who art in heaven…forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.”
(Some of the material gleaned for this sermon was taken from the book, Forgive and Forget by Lewis Smedes)